If you are considering therapy but wary of entering into a relationship because you don’t know what’s involved, this blog is aimed at trying to help you get some sense of what therapy is to reduce your concerns. There can be a fear that the therapist holds all the power in the relationship, leaving you feeling vulnerable, especially in the face of conflict. This week’s entry focuses on how you might deal with a conflict if that were to arise.
First, it is important to acknowledge that you are not powerless in this relationship. You may feel vulnerable, but ultimately it is your decision as to whether you continue with your sessions. There are plenty of other therapists so if you don’t feel happy with your therapist you don’t have to stay.
That said, it is usually more in your interests to try to resolve the conflict as a first port of call. I have certainly spoken to clients who did not feel they were getting what they wanted from their therapy or had some issue. I told each of them to at least try and resolve the matter through discussion with their therapist. In many cases, this resolved the issue to the clients’ satisfaction. Further, for some clients the resolution of the conflict proved to be therapeutic of itself, allowing the client to gain some felt sense of their own power, to feel heard, respected, and strong enough to deal with conflict.
Patterns of relationship formed in childhood are usually invoked during therapy. Conflicts from the past can subtly be re-enacted with the therapist. That offers the opportunity for reparation not just of that conflict but of that whole pattern of relating regarding conflict. Thus, hanging in there during a conflict with your therapist can be extremely fruitful. But how do you know if this very familiar pattern is being worked on, or whether, less helpfully it is merely being replayed? Ask yourself these questions :- Is the process of the conflict the focus of our work or is it being ignored? Are you talking about what its like being in conflict or is the conflict and its impact on you being minimised by the therapist? If you feel it is being ignored or minimised, have you told the therapist how you feel? If you still feel ignored or minimised then perhaps it is time to consider your alternatives.
There is no training course for therapists that includes Mind Reading. We may develop a skill at reading subtle signs of emotions. We may even develop a hunch for why clients behave the way they do, but these can only be generalities. The therapist cannot know the client’s unique and individual experience. For that we need the client to tell us. TV representations of experts who “know” just by looking at someone what their past has been or what they are experiencing, whilst enticing are unhelpful as they raise unrealistic expectations of therapy. It can be a seductive idea that a therapist will just know your unique experience of the world without having to be told. It’s a small step from there to hoping that they will apply a similar magic to “fix” you. No effort. No pain. Just a quick fix.
There is no magic in therapy. It’s a relationship which requires the full participation of both parties. There are no short cuts. Further, I don’t believe that the clients who come to me are broken so “fixing” them is not appropriate. I have yet to meet a client whose experience didn’t make perfect sense once we had understood the full complexity of their lives. Thus their anxiety, distress, depression, anger or whatever feelings they have don’t need fixing, but compassionate understanding so the individual can find their own way forward.
Therapists are not perfect. We are fallible human beings like anyone else. This can lead to conflict. As mentioned above, that can be an opportunity to develop the therapeutic relationship further.
If you feel that the therapist has acted inappropriately, not just an error, but in a way that is unethical, then you may consider raising a complaint with the professional body with whom the therapist is registered e.g. BACP, UKCP, BPS. This is one reason that it is important that you check that your therapist is registered with a professional body. It may be reassuring to note that only a small percentage of clients raise complaints in any year.
I do appreciate that having dared to share your vulnerabilities with someone it can be daunting to consider having to go through it all again with someone new. However, even this can be an investment in your wellbeing.
If you have any questions about this blog or any of the issues raised please feel free to contact me via my website: http://www.garycooktherapy.co.uk
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