Some people feel that therapy will not be helpful to them as
they feel that their patterns in relationship are simply an unchangeable
expression of the way they are. In this
week’s blog, I challenge this notion.
Developments in neuroscience have shown that the brain is
continuously adapting to the environment, thus we can continue throughout our
lives to learn new things. New learning
is embedded in the brain by new connections and new pathways between the brain’s
nerve cells. The more attention we give something or the more we repeat an
action, the stronger the link is along these pathways. Similarly, the less attention we give to
things the weaker the connection will be over time.
Patterns of relating are nearly always formed in early
childhood. Thereafter, the way in which we understand relationships is viewed
through the prism of these early patterns. In this way, almost whatever happens
tends to reinforce that early pattern.
For example, a child can learn that the world is a dangerous
place. Think of parents’ understandable concerns for their children which can
become anxiety provoking for a child if overplayed as part of an anxious style
of relating “don’t do that”, “be careful”, or even anger (covering their own
fears) when the child is trying to develop their own sense of mastery,
exploring their environment. Having learnt that pattern without necessarily
being aware of it, new experiences are likely to be seen as holding a potential
threat, thus reinforcing the brain’s neural pathways that encode that pattern.
Now consider a child for whom exploration was supported. New
experiences will be viewed as holding the potential for interesting stimuli. Thus
the same new experience will reinforce completely different patterns in the two
children.
Now imagine an adult, who has been relating to the world via
a pattern of relating of which they remain unaware. This pattern has been
reinforced for decades with hardly a second thought. Of course, this individual
feels that this is just part of who they are.
It has been going on for the whole of their lives so feel their pattern of relating is unchangeable.
On top of that, they are likely to have chosen (without
being aware of it) a partner whose patterns of relating reinforce theirs. They
may be similar or complementary. Thus someone who has little confidence in
their abilities may choose a partner who wants to take responsibility for both
of them. Thus, the partner lacking confidence may feel more comfortable now
that someone else is taking responsibility for them, but they are not put in a
position to develop their own confidence. Thus their relating patterns are
reinforced over and over again.
Like any long established habit. It may take some time to
change. Further, their current relationships may expect them to behave in
certain ways. It can be threatening to their loved ones when an individual
starts to change. In the example above, the partner may feel that his control
is being undermined, or simply that he is no longer needed if she starts to
develop the confidence to do things for herself. In such circumstances, the partner, usually unconsciously,
may try to undermine her attempts at independence. The spectrum may vary from
teasing, to derogatory comments, to expressions of anxiety, to outright anger
and threats – all trying to get them to conform to the pattern they expect.
NB. Whilst I have used the terms “she” for the client and “he”
for the partner in this example, the roles are just as applicable with male
clients and female partners and in same sex relationships.
Perhaps the most extreme example of this kind of pattern is
the abusive relationship. All of the
clients I have seen and spoken to involved in this pattern have stated that the
emotional abuse is worse than the physical abuse. Whilst it is particularly
hard for this client group to break free from their patterns of allowing others
to dominate them, with the right support, they may be able to develop the strength
to gain confidence in themselves.
Therapy is conducted in 50 minute sessions once a week. The
historic pattern tends to be reinforced for the whole of the rest of the week.
In the face of this, it can be a long, slow and sometimes painful process to
develop new ways of relating. However, change
is possible. I have worked with many clients who have made significant changes
through my therapeutic relationship with them.
If you have any questions about this blog or any of the
issues raised please feel free to contact me via my website:
http://www.garycooktherapy.co.uk
