Bottling up Feelings

Many clients experience difficulties managing their feelings. Frequently they have learnt to bottle up their feelings as a way of dealing with them, then find themselves struggling to cope when faced with the mounting pressures of living.  When they first come for therapy they may or may not be aware that this is what they are doing.  This week’s blog explores how we learn to bottle up our feelings and how therapy can help.

As babies we don’t know how to manage our feelings.  We are dependent on our caregivers, usually our parents, over the course of our upbringing to help us:-

1.  Identify each of our emotions
2. Learn to express our emotions appropriately
3. Learn that we are still loveable and acceptable when we express our full range of emotions.

Parents are not perfect.  This leaves many clients remaining stuck with some aspects of this learning. There are many ways in which such problems may manifest.  Bottling up emotions is just one of these.  

If parents are uncomfortable with their emotions in some way, it can be very difficult for them to remain relaxed when their child is expressing forcefully some very intense emotions. Most often, it is anger that is seen as a “negative” emotion, although in some clients it is joy that has been inhibited. Thus it may be discouraged, consciously or otherwise.  The child then learns it is not safe to express that emotion which is when the strategy of bottling feelings appears to be protective and useful. 

Over the years, more and more of these angry feelings remain unexpressed with nowhere to be heard and understood.  Sooner or later, such feelings either leak out, or perhaps the individual learns that they are powerless to express themselves successfully.  These are the seeds of depression.  Such individuals sometimes “self-medicate” using alcohol as a means of managing their emotions which only adds to their problems in the long run.

Therapy offers a safe environment in which a relationship based on trust can aid the client to find more appropriate ways of managing their emotions.  Together, the client and their therapist, can explore how they learnt to bottle up their feelings. Through this, the client can develop a more compassionate understanding of themselves. In the safety of the therapeutic relationship, the client can begin to dare to express their full range of emotions, and experience the sense of release and their own power in doing so, knowing that the therapist accepts them as they are.

They learn that these feelings, far from being toxic, are there for their benefit, empowering them to express themselves and potentially move towards outcomes they desire. The final step in the process is when they can apply this to their relationships outside the therapy.  When the client can do this for themselves, they are usually ready to leave therapy.

If you have any questions about this blog or any of the issues raised please feel free to contact me via my website: http://www.garycooktherapy.co.uk