Breaks

Sooner or later in all but the shortest therapy, there will come a time when either you or the therapist will be unable to attend the weekly session due to holidays or illness.  The feelings that accompany the break can be very informative. This week’s blog looks at the sorts of feelings that may be elicited and why therapists are likely to ask you about them.

The most beneficial element in therapy is the relationship between the client and the therapist. Often, feelings experienced by the client before, during and after a break, can give a useful window on the nature of that relationship from the client’s perspective.  These feelings can express the pattern of relating that the client learnt in their formative years.  This pattern is most often not held consciously, “that’s just how it is” can be the client’s response if you only scratch the surface around this topic.

For clients who have learnt to be anxious about their relationships, a break can feel like a threat, particularly where it is the therapist who is not available for a session.  Some such clients may try to sustain contact over the break by emails or texts.  Others may subconsciously “punish” the therapist by not attending the session after the break or by turning up late.  It may also show up in the nature of the material spoken of in the sessions.  Underlying themes of abandonment and loss may emerge here even where it is not about the therapist.

For clients who have learnt to protect themselves from the vulnerability associated with relationships, a break can merely reinforce what they anticipated anyway.  Subconsciously, there can be a sense that “I knew they couldn’t be trusted”.   For some, this feeling is so strong that they may not return to therapy after the break, sometimes without any contact.

For these reasons, I find it important to explore with the client what their feelings are around breaks.  I would try to give at least 3 weeks notice of any holiday that I am to have and request the client to give me as much notice as possible before their holidays. This way, we have a chance to explore these potentially sensitive issues, so the client has the chance to gain a conscious awareness of how their patterns may be impacting their experiences of breaks.

Thus, if they find they are feeling hurt prior to a break, they can begin to recognise their pattern of relating which is the first step towards taking conscious control and beginning, through the trust developed in the therapeutic relationship, to learn new patterns of relating.  In the new pattern, they can begin to trust that they are loveable, are not about to be rejected, and can bear a gap in the support from loved ones without anxiety or hurt.

If you have any questions about this blog or any of the issues raised please feel free to contact me via my website: http://www.garycooktherapy.co.uk